A good day :)

Today was a good day.  I took off work, slept in, watched cartoons with the kiddos, ate brunch in my pjs, watched Toy Story 3, took a quick nap, got in my two hour workout (biceps, triceps and cardio), quick trip to Wal-Mart, and dinner at home, watched the Rangers lose, and now it is time for a late night movie with the kiddos...(Diary of a Wimpy Kid - the second)....I love summer!  :)

Maybe I'll have a repeat tomorrow!

FOUL Mood....

all thanks to mother nature.  I have never been one to PMS....but this year (since having to take bc pills) I have suffered with it (PMS).  My day started off well...and then this afternoon....bring on cranky, crampy, mean BRINA.  And just let me say that PMSing/MEAN Brina is all new to Rick....and I'm not sure he knows what to do with me....he was late getting back home with the kids so we could head to the gym (this irritated me - normally wouldn't), the kids had to change out of their baseball shoes into regular tennis shoes (this irritiated me), Hunter needed to change shirts (this irritated me)...so I decided to just stay home (this irritated Rick).  I knew that I was in a bad mood and thought that if I just stayed away from everyone I would save them from the crankiness of MEAN Brina...but no Rick/aka the Punisher thought I was trying to wimp out on my workout (which irritated me). 

So off we go to the gym....I was so cranky that I chose to put in my earphones and listen to Eminem (yeah it was that bad).  I did a kick but workout on the elliptical (even though my legs were dead from yesterday's workout) and never said a word to Rick (he was on the elliptical next to me)....I did break the pissy mood to chat with my super hero/idol workout chick S.F.....that girl motivates and inspires me....she is hardcore!  Back to the MEAN/cranky Brina....I finished up my elliptical workout and then hit abs hard...or I tried to anyway.  Cramps got the best of me...so I called it a night....came home and prepared antelope patties for the grill (super lean meat), washed dishes, jumped in the shower and then decided to go and put my cranky self in the bed for a few minutes. 

Now I'm up and feeling a little better...still not in the mood to talk....I'm sure that Rick is ready to get to work tonight...lol!  I just can't help it....I'm blaming it on hormones. 

Praying that tomorrow is better.  :)

Everyone needs a partner...

when working out!  It makes the process more fun....or painful if you are working out with the Punisher. Today was the day to work shoulders, legs, and abs...and boy did we work them!  The Punisher decided to also break out the plyometrics....I am going to be in pain tomorrow. 

I also did well with my food choices today....chicken, rice, and veggies for lunch and then turkey sandwich, edamame and a banana for dinner.  :)  Go me....I am in the mood to focus....may even get up in the AM and hit the elliptical to get a little cardio workout in before work...we shall see! 

I am going to bed with a smile on my face....I love it when I see forward progress!

Chest and Back

My workout for today....and it was a good one!  I am going to be sore tomorrow!  It was good to get back into the gym....I really needed to work off a little energy.  Rick and I are going to start boxing...that should be a great cardio workout....until I accidentally get hit and then I'm sure that I'll be done with that!

I tried to make a healthy smoothie today...it was horrible!  Spinach, green apples, celery, lemon juice and ice....so not good!  I managed to get down a small portion of it and decided that it just wasn't worth it!  I'll have to find another way to be healthy in my eating habits.

Operation Get Fit - a success for today! :)  Go me! 

Now it's off to shower and go to bed....a part of being healthy is getting enough sleep....good night!

Change....

Start a doctoral program?  Change jobs?  Have another baby?  Become a stay at home mom?  Join the Circus?

Maybe.  Maybe.  Probably not.  Sounds great.  I have no talent...so probably not.

I think that it is time for some sort of change....I've been feeling pretty restless for the last year and here lately the drums of change have been getting louder. 

What to do?  I'm praying for an answer....maybe if I'm still enough it will find me.

When is the right time to make a move?

I'm stuck...not sure if I'm letting a few little incidents get the best of me....or if it is really time for me to make a move.  I do not like feeling this way.  I'm just not sure what to do... I am praying about it, setting goals and waiting for an answer.  I just hope it comes soon....

Did you know that T-I-T-S spells TIPS?

While channel surfing with the kids this afternoon I ran across Austin Powers Gold Member and it was the scene with the lady and the melons and this is flashes over to the four shirtless men with the letters T...I....T...S spelled out on their chests.  As I am trying to turn it (batteries must be low in my remote) Hunter is sounding out the word...I got it turned just in time because he said "TIPS".  It took all that I had not to laugh out loud! 

I love being parent!   Never a dull moment! :) 

Off the grid....

For the next week I will be off the grid....hanging with around 100-125 7th graders at our annual summer camp.  This is going to be fun!  :)

The Good side of Father's Day

I know that the last blog was a little "dark"....so as the kids and I wait for Rick to wake up (boo night shift) I thought I would write about the good part of Father's Day.

"When one has not had a good father, one must create one."
~ Aziza Friedrich Nietzsche

Nietzsche's quote is a true reflection of my experience.  Although I do not have the relationship that I would want to have with my biological father, I believe that God put a few great men in my path to help fill the void.

The first man to really have my heart was my dad's father...Poppa George.   My poppa was a quiet man, but he saw what was missing in my life and stepped in and took care of the things that his son would not.  My poppa was my playmate (he made the best mud pies), taxi (when my mom needed rides to the grocery store, doctor appts, etc.  he was there), and friend.  He was a man of few words, which worked out great since I was a kid with many.  :)  He never said how he felt about the decisions that he son made, but through his actions he showed what kind of man that he was...he never chose sides and until the day he died he did what was right towards his grandchildren.  I miss him.  I love him.  <3

My Godfather, Leward, was the next person to step in and take on the role of father.  Leward taught me how to drive....a STANDARD! What a brave soul he was!  He also game to my high school graduation and was the first to say how proud he was of me and that he had faith in me.  I love that man. <3

Jeff was the next man to step into the role of father.  He was the owner of the DQ in my college town and gave me a job.  Our relationship grew as we worked side by side...I became his adopted daughter of sorts.  He and his family hosted my college graduation party, he helped me buy my first car, he loaned Rick and I money to pay for our wedding and he walked me down the isle.  I love that man. <3

I am blessed to have had such people in my life.  Through them God has shown me that there are men in the world who are willing to step up and be role models and support systems to children in need and that there is truth in Nietzsche's  words. 

Today I have a few men to wish Happy Father's Day and to say "Thank You".  Without their love, kindness and support I would not know what it is to be loved by a "father".  I am blessed beyond measure and am just so thankful. 

The last person that I will wish a Happy Father's Day is Rick.  He is truly a great father to our children.  He has a love for them that I've never experienced as a child and I am happy that my children have him.  I am just so proud and lucky to see my children receive the love and support from him.  Jaylin and Hunter are so proud of him.  They listed the top ten reason's they loved having him for a father (as a part of his gift) and it filled my heart with joy to hear the things that they said. 

I will end this post with their words and the wish of a Happy Father's Day to those who fill those shoes.

Jaylin & Hunter's Top Ten Reasons They Love Having Rick as Their Father

10.  You stay at home and play with us.

9.  You take us to the movies.

8.  You are supportive.

7.  You help with our softball and tee ball teams.

6.  You are always in a good mood.

5.  You always include us in things (like hunting and fishing).

4.  You are funny! :)

3.  You help us get better at things.

2.  You like to teach us about stuff.

1.  You love us!

"It doesn't matter who my father was; it matters who I remember he was."
~ Anne Sexton

They are so lucky to have a father that loves spending time with them and loves them unconditionally. 

Father's Day....the Bad Side.

Father's Day brings up many different emotions for me....and this year I find myself battling some serious feelings.  Yes, I am of one of those children who have been affected by the Daddy blues....I could write a book about the stuff that I've had to endure and overcome. 

I am the first of 5 children of my father and for the first 5 years of my life had a normal relationship with him (that's what I've been told).    It all goes down hill from there....When I was 6 and my mother 6 months pregnant with my little brother, my dad left for his girlfriend who was 2 months pregnant with my half-sister....yes he was that kind of guy.  The one who can't seem to understand the importance of being faithful or at least leaving a relationship before starting another.  The worst part of the whole situation is that his now wife - my step-mother, decided that she didn't want him to have anything to do with my little brother...not even claim him.  So instead of being a man and doing what was right my dad didn't claim my brother....had nothing to do with him.  I spent the next 12 years of my life trying to soften the blow of that for my little brother.  My dad would buy me Christmas presents or spend money on me...and I would try to find a way to share with my brother (or tell him that dad got him something too).  It was really painful to watch.  We lived a mile away from my dad and his new family (they added two more children to their family) and my brother spent most of his childhood wondering why our dad didn't love or claim him.  When I turned 17 and graduated from high school I decided that I would write my dad a letter and ask him how he could live with himself...how he could choose another woman and family over us....ask him why he couldn't love and be a father to all of us? That letter was me throwing in the towel...giving up on trying to get the love and affection that I needed....don't get me wrong my dad would spend time with me....but it wasn't the kind of relationship that most children have with their father....and he certainly did not have a relationship with my brother.   I gave it to him the day I left for college....and my grandmother tells me that it broke his heart and got on to me for questioning him.  With as much respect as I could muster I explained to her that a man - a father - should never put a woman over his children...that no matter the situation between the adults, the children should be shown love and affection and not have to pay for the mistakes and choices of those who are supposed to be responsible. 
I spent the next 4 years of my life - enjoying college, helping out my mother and brother back home, and preparing for my life as a wife and mother.  I would see my dad every now and then, but I was resolved to accept my life and experience as it was and move forward.  It wasn't until I got pregnant with Jaylin that I began to think about my relationship with my poppa (my dad's father) and how great it was.  I wanted that for my children.  So I did what any grown up would do...I extended the olive branch to my dad - put the past behind and allowed him to be a part of my life.  At this point he had divorced the lady that made my life hell (stepmom #1) and was dating the woman that I wished would have been the 1st stepmom...I know that my life and my brother's life would have been so different.  P.  was and is great!  She worked hard to help my dad make amends with me and my little brother.  My brother had no use for my father at this point and to this day there is no relationship between them.  It really makes me sad....my brother needed the love and affection and approval from our dad and he never got it....and it has affected him and is still causing problems to this day.  I'll get back to this for sure.  So while my dad was with P.  the next 4 years were a time of healing and progress between my dad and I.    And then things took a turn for the worse...my dad and P ended their relationship and he went back to stepmom #1.  I believe in forgiveness and moving on and I had from life with S. has a child....but I refuse to put myself back into a situation that brings only pain and suffering and bad memories.  Now I only see my dad every six months or so...only when he is at my grandparents house....I will not ever step foot in S's house....nor will my children.  I love my dad and would do anything if he asked me to...other than that.  I am a believer in surrounding yourself with positive people and she is anything but that.  I've always wanted the experience of having a "normal" family....and for now, I have to make my family "my normal". 
I've reconciled with myself that I will not have the father/daughter relationship that I've dreamed about and have learned to appreciate what I do have with my dad.  And for the last couple of years my sadness and anger with him have stayed in the past....until now.  Now things are back to the surface because my little brother (an Army Vet who is suffering from TBI and PTSD) is still struggling with his father abandonment issues, and what he usually keeps hidden deep down inside is coming out....he is having issues and is going through counseling and for the first time ever has spent time with me in the recent days talking about the pain (that I've known that he's had).  It makes me want to shake my dad....to ask him if he ever thinks about the effect he's had on my brother?  It makes me sad to know that my brother  is struggling with depression, alcoholism, the demons of war and the demons of being abandoned by his father.  My brother is a good kid, a great father, and  a good husband....he is struggling with all of his demons and I know that with God, prayer and support from those of us who love and care will help him get through this. 
I guess the moral of this story is that as parents the way we love or in this case don't love our children stays with them for the rest of their lives and affects them for the rest of their lives. 
So this year as I celebrate Father's Day with my children and husband....there will be a part of me that is sad...sad for the innocence lost and the struggles that my brother has to deal with and sad for the dream of having a loving father lost. 
I am forever shaped by this experience and will continue to be the parent/woman that I am in spite of this part of my life. 

...the good and happy side of Father's Day blog is to come.

Disgusted....

Have you ever had a moment when you find yourself regretting a choice that you made to benefit someone else?  Well, I'm sort of in that position today.

I work with students and have learned over the past 11+ years that sometimes parents get in the way.  Today (well it started yesterday) a parent got in the way.  A certain parent missed a certain deadline and called to see if I would look the other way....when I didn't and followed the rules she called my boss (today) and complained.  I am just so frustrated...because I've dealt with this certain parent for the last 6 years with an older student and had second thoughts when it came time to pick the younger student.  Being the person that I am I decided not to punish the student for the mother's actions and so I selected this student.    So right now at this moment I find myself regretting that decision.  Can't wait to see how this turns out.

Some days I wonder if it is even worth it....

Ugggghhhh....

I seriously want to pull my (well because I bought it) hair out!  Why must following directions be so difficult?  Parents who don't follow directions and in turn mess up a great opportunity for a student (their child) makes me cranky!!!

That's all....back to work.

On the Edge of My Seat

I want the Mavericks to win...TONIGHT!  I can't take it!  The next few minutes are going to kill me...but I will survive!  :) 

It has been a great weekend...Jaylin's softball team played a double header on Saturday and won both games!  I am so proud of our girls!  Our record has improved to 8-2 and we have one game left before we go into tournament play.  Our girls have come such a long way and Rick and the other dad's have done such a great job working with our girls.  They are so patient and have taken the time to make sure that the girls know and understand the fundamentals of softball.  I love seeing the progress that each girl has made and I am truly proud of each of them.  I'm the resident dugout mom...I take pictures, keep them in the right batting order, and keep them focused on what's going on (and in the their defensive stance) when they are out in the field.  I'm a little hardcore at times, but that is how I want my child to learn the sport. 

I am going to miss the entire week of tournament play and I'm a little upset and wishing that I didn't have to work during the summer.  I want to be the kind of mom who is able to spend quality time with the kids during the summer, as well as, attend all of their sporting events and other school activities.  Some days I really wish that I could have the luxury of staying home with my children, but then I have to remind myself that my job allows for me to make a difference in the life of students that might not otherwise be encouraged.  At some point I know that I may have to make a choice of finding a more flexible job to fit my need of being an active and present parent. 

Oh well...it is a stress for another day....I'm off to watch the last quarter of my Mavericks. 
#Hopingforawin

Frustrated...

Operation Get in Shape

I have been so busy the last few weeks....which means that I've had to sacrifice my time in the gym!  :(  No BUENO!!!!  With the hubs being on night shift, office hours moved to 7-6pm for me, summer camp planning and prep, softball practice/games, t-ball practice/games, and family time my gym time has gone almost to 0!  I've worked out 4 times in the last 14 days....when normally I hit the gym 12 out of 14 days.  I've got to get back on track!!!  The sad thing is that I won't be able to do that until after camp....so it will be July before I settle into a routine....let's go!  I can't wait! 

This, That and the Other

Today we drove to the hubby's home town for a funeral....it was good to see everyone and made us all think about saying the things you need to say and not waiting until it is too late.  I really love spending time with family and wish that we had more time to gather and enjoy each others company.  Upon parting we vowed to be better and are looking at our schedules to arrange a weekend together....I hope that we get it done!  I miss them all. 

I am also looking forward to spending a little time with a few special ladies at a NKOTB/BSB concert in July....it's not that I'm a crazed fan, but it has become something that I can do with one of my best girl friends (she is CRAZY for NKOTB) and make some great memories!  I am excited that I am going to get to experience with Steph and another great friend (Amber)...we are going to have a BLAST!  I <3 girl time....it doesn't matter what we are doing...I just love spending time with friends that I love and cherish.

Hair

One other thing before I sign off for bed:  Sometimes it is hard to be a "brown" girl...lol!  I have the thickest hair in the world and I am always trying to find something to do with it during the summer.  I know some of you are probably thinking "my hair is difficult and I'm not brown" and to you I would say that my hair is WORK.  I can't just go swimming and then let it dry on it's own....getting my hair wet is not the problem...it is what happens after that makes me crazy.  Some of the luckiest people in the world (I'm just talking hair) are those who can let their hair just air dry after  getting wet.  I spend at least two hours on my hair...two hours of shampooing, conditioning, oiling/moisturizing my scalp, flat ironing and wrapping my hair....and I hate it!  So this summer I am trying something new...something that I never thought I would do....I'm getting a little sew in job!  I am off to the hair dresser in the morning....if I like it I will post a picture!  Cross your fingers and toes and pray that it works out for me!  Hahahaha!  I'm thinking that it will make life much easier for me...we shall see! 

OK...I'm off to find my bed...it's been a long day and I am ready to get a little sleep. 

Until tomorrow...or the next time that I post!  ;)