Father's Day....the Bad Side.

Father's Day brings up many different emotions for me....and this year I find myself battling some serious feelings.  Yes, I am of one of those children who have been affected by the Daddy blues....I could write a book about the stuff that I've had to endure and overcome. 

I am the first of 5 children of my father and for the first 5 years of my life had a normal relationship with him (that's what I've been told).    It all goes down hill from there....When I was 6 and my mother 6 months pregnant with my little brother, my dad left for his girlfriend who was 2 months pregnant with my half-sister....yes he was that kind of guy.  The one who can't seem to understand the importance of being faithful or at least leaving a relationship before starting another.  The worst part of the whole situation is that his now wife - my step-mother, decided that she didn't want him to have anything to do with my little brother...not even claim him.  So instead of being a man and doing what was right my dad didn't claim my brother....had nothing to do with him.  I spent the next 12 years of my life trying to soften the blow of that for my little brother.  My dad would buy me Christmas presents or spend money on me...and I would try to find a way to share with my brother (or tell him that dad got him something too).  It was really painful to watch.  We lived a mile away from my dad and his new family (they added two more children to their family) and my brother spent most of his childhood wondering why our dad didn't love or claim him.  When I turned 17 and graduated from high school I decided that I would write my dad a letter and ask him how he could live with himself...how he could choose another woman and family over us....ask him why he couldn't love and be a father to all of us? That letter was me throwing in the towel...giving up on trying to get the love and affection that I needed....don't get me wrong my dad would spend time with me....but it wasn't the kind of relationship that most children have with their father....and he certainly did not have a relationship with my brother.   I gave it to him the day I left for college....and my grandmother tells me that it broke his heart and got on to me for questioning him.  With as much respect as I could muster I explained to her that a man - a father - should never put a woman over his children...that no matter the situation between the adults, the children should be shown love and affection and not have to pay for the mistakes and choices of those who are supposed to be responsible. 
I spent the next 4 years of my life - enjoying college, helping out my mother and brother back home, and preparing for my life as a wife and mother.  I would see my dad every now and then, but I was resolved to accept my life and experience as it was and move forward.  It wasn't until I got pregnant with Jaylin that I began to think about my relationship with my poppa (my dad's father) and how great it was.  I wanted that for my children.  So I did what any grown up would do...I extended the olive branch to my dad - put the past behind and allowed him to be a part of my life.  At this point he had divorced the lady that made my life hell (stepmom #1) and was dating the woman that I wished would have been the 1st stepmom...I know that my life and my brother's life would have been so different.  P.  was and is great!  She worked hard to help my dad make amends with me and my little brother.  My brother had no use for my father at this point and to this day there is no relationship between them.  It really makes me sad....my brother needed the love and affection and approval from our dad and he never got it....and it has affected him and is still causing problems to this day.  I'll get back to this for sure.  So while my dad was with P.  the next 4 years were a time of healing and progress between my dad and I.    And then things took a turn for the worse...my dad and P ended their relationship and he went back to stepmom #1.  I believe in forgiveness and moving on and I had from life with S. has a child....but I refuse to put myself back into a situation that brings only pain and suffering and bad memories.  Now I only see my dad every six months or so...only when he is at my grandparents house....I will not ever step foot in S's house....nor will my children.  I love my dad and would do anything if he asked me to...other than that.  I am a believer in surrounding yourself with positive people and she is anything but that.  I've always wanted the experience of having a "normal" family....and for now, I have to make my family "my normal". 
I've reconciled with myself that I will not have the father/daughter relationship that I've dreamed about and have learned to appreciate what I do have with my dad.  And for the last couple of years my sadness and anger with him have stayed in the past....until now.  Now things are back to the surface because my little brother (an Army Vet who is suffering from TBI and PTSD) is still struggling with his father abandonment issues, and what he usually keeps hidden deep down inside is coming out....he is having issues and is going through counseling and for the first time ever has spent time with me in the recent days talking about the pain (that I've known that he's had).  It makes me want to shake my dad....to ask him if he ever thinks about the effect he's had on my brother?  It makes me sad to know that my brother  is struggling with depression, alcoholism, the demons of war and the demons of being abandoned by his father.  My brother is a good kid, a great father, and  a good husband....he is struggling with all of his demons and I know that with God, prayer and support from those of us who love and care will help him get through this. 
I guess the moral of this story is that as parents the way we love or in this case don't love our children stays with them for the rest of their lives and affects them for the rest of their lives. 
So this year as I celebrate Father's Day with my children and husband....there will be a part of me that is sad...sad for the innocence lost and the struggles that my brother has to deal with and sad for the dream of having a loving father lost. 
I am forever shaped by this experience and will continue to be the parent/woman that I am in spite of this part of my life. 

...the good and happy side of Father's Day blog is to come.